Saturday, March 29, 2008

A Week in Las Vegas

Sin first time there.  If I go back, it would be for the shows, spas, night clubs and working out.

Some thoughts on Vegas: 
1) San Diego - in one week I saw one fat person and two smokers.  In Las Vegas...I saw that in the first seconds.

2) Cycling - Cycling in Vegas is actually pretty good if you know where to ride.  I did Red Rock Canyon twice with two big climbs the first going from 1800 feet to 4771 - nice.  I think the mountain biking would be great.  I ride a time trial bike with 42 x 54 front (175 mm cranks) and had a 11 x 23 cassette.  I usually ride this and for the record (650c or not) this was not the right gearing.  

3) Food - eat until you explode.  Thankfully, I was very good.  I ate salad first then tried to eat real raw type foods.  Weight is stable.

4) Shows - Fantastic!  Seldom do I say "$220 for tickets?  That was worth it!"  For $220 we saw the Cirque show 'Ka'.  These were not actors...they were athletes.  Amazing!  The highlight of the trip.  At a much more reasonable rate...we saw Wayne Brady.  He is hilarious

5) Smoke - It is everywhere.  The hotels smell of stale cigarette smoke or of someone lighting up right there.  It is horrible.  You could literally wear the same clothing every day and nobody would know because everyone smells like smoke.  My nose is still burning.  My sinus is in complete revolt.  I guess I should be thankful that in Illinois there is no indoor smoking allowed so if I get the gambling jones I can do so and not risk my health.  Lastly, I haven't heard this in about 8 years, "I only smoke when I drink."  Ah...memories.

6) Sex - men and women in the street handing out phone numbers and pictures of prostitutes and strippers.  Just pick what you want - old, young, fat, thin, saggy, firm.  We were quoting the movie Office Space, "What would I do if I had a million dollars? Two chicks at the same time. Lawrence, you don't need a million dollars to do two chicks. To get chicks to double up on a guy like me you do bro'.  Good point."

7) Clothing - this goes out to the 21 - 29 female crowd...I don't need to see the goody bits to see you're sexy (or not sexy).  Pierced belly buttons are only sexy if you have a killer body - and they are barely sexy at that.  For killer bodies, see the wait staff at Toby Keith's restaurant in Harrah's where silicon and spray tan rule.  There is even something for the the dudes there probably double shift at Chippendale's.  Even Lorrie lost concentration a few times and considering the female eye candy...I let it slide and simply wiped the drool from her mouth.  "Was that obvious?"  Um...yes, dear it was.  The night before we were walking through either Mandalay Bay or MGM and there was a group of 20 somethings going out - some dressed in bra, thong, garter belt and heels (all colors of the rainbow) and in the same area...a woman wearing a short dress that had plenty of support but perhaps not enough lining.  No guessing there!  The runway is clear if you know what I am referring to.  (I will have to say that she was the full package and easily the hottest woman we saw in Vegas...and she was with her model like husband.)  Lorrie was a good sport quoting the movie Dodgeball then the Average Joe Team came out to play in leather..."That's rad!"

8) Fat-ness -  Ok...if you are 400 lbs. and "walking" with a cane on oxygen...Las Vegas probably shouldn't be your vacation spot unless you don't really care when you will die.  When we were going on the plane we had one guy who was so big that he filled the plane ramp...and he only used one seat in coach.  I felt bad for the lady next to him.  Another memo to ladies 21 - 29, if you have more than one roll...a bikini shouldn't be your swim suit of choice and that is fat...not large breasts like you were bragging about.  I think I'm getting sick.

9) Kids - Do not belong in Vegas.  If you are a parent and bring your children to Vegas the authorities should be at the gate and collect them from you.  What the hell are you thinking?
We regularly saw women in their late 20s pushing a 3 month old on the strip.  Go directly to jail and loose children; this after getting "fixed" so you don't urinate in the gene pool any more.  On the flight home the father and boy next to me announce that the entire family I am surrounded by gets plane sick.  Hey dummy...why are you going to Vegas with the kids anyway?  
10) Planes - (Continuation of above)...I am a little kid on a plane.  Where else do you get to go 500 mph and get great aerial views of the country?  The kid and father who tell me they get air sick CLOSE THE WINDOW!  You know what...if I closed the window in the back of a plane...I'm pretty sure I could get plane sick too.  You need to look out and focus on the horizon.  If you get sick and aren't going to look out the window, don't sign up for the window seat.  I missed seeing Vegas from the air, the Grand Canyon, the Rockies and Chicago.  But I'm not bitter...really.

11) Gambling - I'm pretty sure that what happened to me at Caesar's Palace; I can press charges for assault.

...more to come after I upload some pictures.  


  1. BOB!
    So glad you had an awesome time in Sin City!!!! woo hooo! Welcome back!
    Jen H.

  2. ha ha ha - hilarious! I sped read through, because I was enjoying it so much. Now I'm going to read to Nate. I'm sure that he'll enjoy and agree with all of your points. He's been to vegas once, but doesen't really talk about it.... hhhhmmmmmm..... :)

    Glad to hear that your're home safe.

  3. Welcome back, BOB. I bet it is just lovely to be back. Glad you and Lorrie had fun in Sin City! Jen H. :)